Animal fears, hatred and a commissioner for cruises: Behind the new European Commission

Welcome to Declassified, a weekly humor column.

Relax, ordinary citizens of Europe! We finally have a new European Commission, so you can rest easy, knowing that a bunch of people you’ve never heard of are going to do, er, something.

Here are Declassified’s top takeaways from the announcement:

We’ll miss Thierry Breton, even if Ursula von der Leyen won’t. He’s the only European commissioner ever to have combined owning an actual castle and having been told to “fuck [his] own face” by Elon Musk. Also, bonus points for announcing his resignation on the social media platform owned by one of his biggest rivals.

The four highest-value Scrabble letters are J and X (worth 8 points each) and Q and Z (worth 10 points each). So this Commission is worth 126 points based on those four letters alone. I realize this information is of little value.

Von der Leyen really hates the European Parliament. How else to explain her refusal to tell top MEPs about her plans, walking straight out of the door and then announcing those plans to the world? It was the equivalent of telling a friend you definitely aren’t going out for a drink and then walking straight into a bar.

The commissioner for the Mediterranean role, given to Croatia’s Dubravka Šuica, sounds like the best gig. In the letter setting out her role, von der Leyen mentions “deepening trade and investment,” “the external aspects of our migration policy” etc. etc. But in most people’s eyes, Šuica is the commissioner for cruises, olive oil and taking the afternoon off.

Should we be worried about Europe’s animals? Olivér Várhelyi was handed the health and animal welfare portfolio (the Commission equivalent of being given a gift certificate from a store that has gone out of business). Várhelyi was the choice of Viktor Orbán. Orbán is besties with Donald Trump. Trump just said “they’re eating the dogs … they’re eating the cats.”

Speaking of Orbán, he posted a bunch of photos of himself in the gym with Arnold Schwarzenegger. “Training with Arnold is like training with Pelé. It is uplifting,” Orbán wrote. There is, of course, no evidence that the Hungarian prime minister ever trained with the Brazilian football legend, who died in 2022.

Orbán will, of course, have hoped that people viewed the photos of him with Schwarzenegger and thought “Wow, look at those two magnificent men!”

Alas, the first thought was more likely: “Remember the film ‘Twins’ with Schwarzenegger and Danny DeVito as unlikely twin brothers? This looks like a shit remake of that.” 

CAPTION COMPETITION

“Mom, Dad … I’m 16 years old! You no longer have to drop me off at school. All my friends make fun of me.”

Can you do better? Email pdallison@politico.eu or on Twitter/X @pdallisonesque

Last time we gave you this photo:

Thanks for all the entries. Here’s the best from our postbag — there’s no prize except for the gift of laughter, which I think we can all agree is far more valuable than cash or booze.

“Olaf Scholz inspects new automated border patrol unit,” by Stefan De Koning

Paul Dallison is POLITICO’s deputy EU editor.